Goku Gets Gas
by nedthejanitor
Summary: And boy howdy, his farts are truly lethal! Please enjoy the stupidest thing I've ever written.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: You know, just read the fanfic. If you still think I own DBZ after that, you need at least seventeen therapists.**

**This story occurs during the three-year "training for the Androids" period. **

At 439 East District, where there was once a house, there is now a tremendous pile of busted wood splinters and smoldering furniture. A young boy named Gohan was collecting the biggest pieces in the hopes of helping to rebuild. Sitting indian-style in the middle of a less scorched part of the yard, in total shock, was the boy's mother. Her name was Chi-Chi. This is going to be the last time I introduce you to the characters like you don't know them already.

A man wearing a particularly bulky hazmat suit sauntered over to Chi-Chi. He was with a crew that was intent on both helping rebuild and trying to get to the bottom of what happened. "Now, ma'am, we really need to know what happened here."

"My husband."

"That's what you said last time I asked, an hour ago, and it still doesn't help. We need a complete story. Start from the beginning. What did your husband do?"

"Well, as you can see, he destroyed my house."

"Okay, look," sighed the man, whose voice was so muffled by the suit as to be barely audible, "let's just cut through the old shit cake here."

Chi-Chi stood, looking at the man's glass face with outrage. "How dare you?!" Chi-Chi snapped, and delivered a severe punch to the man's gut. To the housewife's amazement, the man was not affected in the least. "A normal man would have been crippled by that!"

"I'm wearing four hazmat suits right now, and I can still smell the lingering stench of whatever did this to your house," explained the crew man. "I'm probably going to get severely dehydrated from this, which is why I need you to explain, quickly, what happened here."

Chi-Chi bowed apologetically while Gohan, sensing some tension that had just now dissipated, rushed over to her side. "Well, you see," she started, "it all began when Goku was eating dinner…"

()()()

"_Chi-Chi," Goku said through a mouthful of food, "I knew you could cook a mean dinner before, but you've really outdone yourself! These bean and steak fajitas are amazing!"_

"_Thank you," Chi-Chi half-sighed, her husband's exasperating table manners preventing her from fully appreciating the compliment. "But would you mind slowing down? Your crumbs are getting into my plate, and I'm sitting on the other side of the table."_

"Mom,"_ Gohan thought to himself, _"you should know the answer to that by now…"

"_Gohan," Goku said, totally ignoring Chi-Chi's request, "why aren't you eating? You're still on your first plate, and it's been three whole minutes!"_

"_I guess I just eat light…" Gohan said in an almost ashamed tone, in spite of the fact that he knew better than to envy his dad's notorious appetite, but he was a boy who truly aspired to be like his father in most every respect. But no way in hell was he going to get through seventeen of these burritos!_

"_You're on your 18__th__?!" Chi-Chi suddenly realized. She hopped up from her chair. "Goku, that's it! I'm cutting you off after you finish this one!"_

"_Aww, but Chi-Chi!"_

"_But nothing! Goku, can't you see that you're going to get fat if you keep eating like that?!"_

"_No way," Goku exclaimed, "because I burn off all that fat by shooting Kamehameha waves!"_

"_Wow," Gohan said, "so that means the Kamehameha wave is made out of fat?"_

_Goku looked at Gohan like his head just turned into a violin. "Not quite, Gohan…" he said slowly, before shoving the rest of his burrito into his mouth. Chi-Chi stood behind him, shaking her head. Even though Chi-Chi was as combative as she could be with her husband, he always won in the end. I mean, how do you even begin to win an argument with a guy who can cause a volcano the size of Yellowstone to erupt by spitting too big a loogie?_

_Goku reached for another burrito as soon as Chi-Chi turned away, but without a hint of warning, he fell to his knees clutching his stomach. "Aaaaoww!" he whined._

"_Daddy," Gohan exclaimed, "what's wrong?! Is it your heart, do you need the medicine?!"_

"_No!" Goku gasped. "It's not my heart… it's my… AHHH!"_

_A terrible sound, like that of a foghorn having air forcibly squeezed out of it somehow, erupted out the back of Goku. The wall behind him, almost all of it, was completely destroyed, with shards of wood and glass flying as far as fifty feet from the house before landing._

_Goku sighed with relief. "Feels a little better…"_

"_GOKU!" Chi-Chi shrieked in a voice neither Goku nor Gohan had ever heard in the many years they'd known her. "WHAT ON EARTH?!"_

"_He farted," Gohan said, stifling a giggle._

"_I think I need to lay down or something… uh oh…" Goku doubled over in pain again and let another air biscuit, this time blowing a large crater into the kitchen floor. The house began to shake, its foundations no longer stable. _

"_GET OUT!" screamed Chi-Chi._

"_Aww, but-"_

_Chi-Chi slammed her foot right into Goku's chin, not even fazing him, but stopping him from completing his sentence. "I SAID GET OUT! Go and get some Pepto Bismol or something and come back when you're done doing that!"_

"_Doing what…?"_

"_FARTING!" screamed Chi-Chi, and Gohan once again had to muffle a childish giggle. Bowing his head in defeat, Goku floated into the air at a 45 degree angle away from the house, ashamed. Unfortunately (or, heh, unFARTunately), his ass wasn't done yet. In one last accidental burst of freak power, another horrible butt blast went directly for Goku and Chi-Chi's house. Gohan and Chi-Chi barely had time to grab each other and scream like bitches before the rest of the house was completely and utterly decimated. _

_Goku turned and looked on in horror at the smoking ground zero where he and Chi-Chi's marriage house used to be. And I'll tell you, I may not be able to say what exactly's in that smoke, but it's the kind of thing that has little Vietnamese children running down the street naked, screaming that their skin is on fire._

"_Chi-Chi! Gohan!" the Saiyan called the names of his loved ones in a despairing voice. If he accidentally killed his wife and son by farting… would he ever be able to live with himself? But, to his extreme relief, he heard the muffled, dulcet tone of his wife screaming "GO AWAY" at the top of her lungs from underneath a pile of rubble. Ignoring all of his instincts to help, he obeyed. As much as it hurt him to acknowledge it, it was better that he stay away for now. He was a threat to his wife… a threat to his son… a threat even, perhaps, to the entire planet._

()()()

"Oh, okay," the hazmat man said casually, "sure, your husband destroyed your house by farting. Why didn't I just guess that before?"

"This is no time for sass!"

"Fine. Where is he now?"

"No idea!"

"…My God…"

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Just ask yourself if Akira Toriyama could ever write something this hard-hitting and brilliant. That's all the answer you'll ever… fine, I don't own Dragonball Z.**

"Vegeta?!"

Bulma walked into her and her new mate's bedroom to find him dressing up in his old saiyan armor- you know, the outfit he was wearing when Frieza beat the living crap out of him. "What, woman?"

"Where are you going? Did you sense the androids?!"

"No, worse," he said after slipping on his last glove. "Kakarot's reached some kind of pinnacle, and I have to find out how in the hell he did it!"

"Wait, I don't-"

Vegeta had no more time to listen to Bulma's whining, unless it was for more of the dick. He blasted through the ceiling like Superman in search of the other full-blood Saiyan, leaving behind a very pissed off Bulma.

()()()

"Ugh… it's not going away…" Goku whined, clutching his tummy. The best thing he could think of to do was to fly in the upper atmosphere, where the damage of his ass-tinged air blasts would be minimal. But it was a lonely life, adding green clouds to the bed of white clouds. He knew it wouldn't be long before he went mad.

"Who…?" Goku saw far in the distance someone floating. It didn't take him long to realize it was Vegeta. He sighed. Now was not the time.

"Kakarot," Vegeta said. "What are you doing so high in this planet's atmosphere?"

"Uh… nothing much. Guess I just wanted to be alone?"

"Bullshit, Kakarot!" Vegeta growled. "I've never seen someone worse at lying in my life, so don't even try it again! You've discovered something even greater than the power of a Super Saiyan, and I demand to know your secret!"

"Vegeta… please," Goku said through clenched teeth, feeling another attack coming on.

"You are trying my patience, low-class dog!" Vegeta floated over until he was mere centimeters from Goku's face. "One more time, what is your secret? If you don't tell me, you'll be forced to show me in battle."

"That's enough, Vegeta!" Goku snapped. "It's not a good idea for anyone to be around me right now, so if you-"

Goku's plea was interrupted by a fist sinking into his stomach, courtesy of Vegeta. Unfortunately for both of them, Vegeta accidentally fisted a big ol' gas pocket that promptly shot out from Goku's war-worn ass. Vegeta stared at Goku with a mix of disgust and horror, having sensed the enormous spike in power that the other saiyan undertook at that moment, as well as having sensed a reek most horrific. Far, far below them, a small village was nearly wiped off the face of the earth as a result of the terrible shockwave, but neither of the two noticed.

"…See, Vegeta?"

"You filth, Kakarot!" screamed Vegeta. "How dare you do that, especially in my presence?! Where's your shame, or your honor, or any sort of self-control?!"

"It's the burritos, Vegeta!" Goku exclaimed, grabbing Vegeta by the shoulders. "Never, ever eat the burritos!" And with that, Goku left a very confused Vegeta behind.

()()()

"Oh, so you're back!" Bulma seethed when she saw Vegeta at her doorstep. "And I suppose you have some tools to fix the ceiling with?!"

"Shut up!"

"Oh that is just- I am so sick of your attitude, Vegeta!"

Vegeta rolled his eyes, walking past Bulma effortlessly to enter the Capsule Corp. "Hey, I didn't force you to fall in love with me, a man who has annihilated entire planets without losing a wink of sleep! If I'm being too rude for you, just keep in mind who I am!"

Bulma's face was turning red with anger. "I don't care how many goddamn planets you've blown up, if you're going to live under my roof, you're not going to EXPLODE said roof!"

"…Woman."

"Yes, Man?"

"What is a burrito?"

Bulma was so taken aback by Vegeta's question, she forgot all about the hive of Japanese hornets that would inevitably materialize in her room unless she got the roof fixed. "It's food."

"I gathered that, but what kind of food?"

"A tortilla with cheese, meat, or vegetables."

"Okay, I know what the last three things are, but a 'turlitta?'"

"No, tortilla. It's a round breading of sorts, made from flour."

Vegeta sat down, chin in his hand like the Thinker. "And where can I get about 20 or 30 of these burritos?"

"Well, there is a 7/11 down the block, but their burritos are-"

"Too small?"

"No, unfit for human consumption."

Vegeta smirked as he stood. "I'm no human. I am a saiyan. Now out of my way."

()()()

"What is it, Kami?"

Mr. Popo approached cautiously. Kami had been rather uptight the last two hours and he didn't want to make any sudden movements to stress the god-namek any further. "Is it the androids, Kami? Have they come early?"

"No. I'm afraid what we're dealing with now is coming from one of our planet's greatest warriors. It seems as if Goku has tapped into a power not even he can control. I fear that, if it doesn't get restrained soon, he will either explode or destroy a chunk of the planet."

"Oh dear, what happened to him?"

"It seems as if Goku consumed something that didn't agree with him, and it combined with his own massive power to create horrible shockwaves when expelled out the back of him."

Mr. Popo stood there with Kami in complete silence for about twelve minutes until, at last, he spoke. "Heh. Farties."

()()()

Goku, throwing caution partially to the wind, so it can sit there and soak in his terrible ass-expulsions, dropped down in front of a supermarket, complete with a pharmacy, where he once bought some weird foam thingies with strings in them for Chi-Chi. That was a strange day. But, he figured, if there were tampons for womens' baby bits, then surely there existed some for men's pootieholes.

So Goku walked to the women's pussy care aisle, and before I get some pissed off review, that's exactly what it's called down here in Texas, so go yell at Rick Perry instead of me. Tired of this shit. Uh, anyway, one of the store clerks walked over to ask Goku if he needed any help.

"Need any help?" asked the store clerk upon walking over. See, I told you she did that. Listen next time.

"Do you have butt tampons?"

The clerk stared at Goku like he was made out of centipedes before wordlessly turning around and walking the fuck away. Then Goku farted

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: MasterChef is a pretty entertaining show, guys. You should find some obscure video hosting website and check that out instead of reading a fanfic about Goku farting all over the place and destroying the planet. I don't own Dragonball Z.**

"Chi-Chi, come here! There's a report about Goku on TV!" Bulma shouted. Chi-Chi ran over. She and her son were staying with Bulma while their lot was being all fumigated.

"_A recent report indicates that an entire supermarket in downtown East City has been destroyed in a hail of fire and what some are identifying as mustard gas, but more 'earthy.'"_

Bulma and Chi-Chi watched the horrible news together, silently. They both knew what caused it, and there were so many directions their emotions could be pulled, hell, it was like their brains were made of sweet, sweet taffy. Incidentally, that was one of the options in Bulma's mind; fill Goku's asshole with taffy.

"Chi-Chi, do you think they sell taffy in bulk?"

"What?"

"Nothing. Just an idea I was considering."

"Bulma, we've got to do something," Chi-Chi said. "My husband is going to destroy the universe if this gets any worse!"

Bulma's brows stiffened. "Chi-Chi, you might be exaggerating a little bit."

"You don't know Goku the way I do."

"Uh, I've known him longer than you."

"Yeah? You ever have his dick in you?"

"…Go on, then."

"Thank you." Chi-Chi paced back and forth. "Goku's probably going to try to-"

BOOM! A terrible explosion shook the entire building, knocking over potted plants, felling pictures and nearly causing the TV to short circuit, which I can't even figure out personally.

"What was that?!" Chi-Chi screamed. Bulma decided to be pro-active instead of howling out questions that no one has the answer to yet and stormed to where Vegeta trained- the gravity room. Set on Vegeta's usual 600 times normal gravity, the room was impossible to breach for someone not of Super-duper-saiyan strength. But the two wives didn't even need to go in- a massive hole was blown in the wall.

"Oh, God!" Chi-Chi pulled the collar of her shirt over her face. "It smells just like my house did! Goku must be here!"

Bulma spied the burrito wrappers on the ground. Her entire face froze into an expression of fearful anger. "No. It's Vegeta."

()()()

"HA HA HA HA!"

Vegeta laughed with triumph, a juicy ass boom rocketing out with every heave of his chest, as he flew full speed in search of Kakarot.

This was the moment he'd been waiting for since the very first day he landed on earth. He had been outclassed, humiliated, and rendered irrelevant to that low class dog for too many years, but now he had an edge! And to think, all it took was a few gas station burritos! Every bitchin' fart was like another release of Vegeta's self-doubt and shameful rage.

But he had to concentrate. Kakarot's energy signal had completely disappeared from the ridiculous high it was at just hours ago. But how was that possible? No one could hide a source of energy like that, even if they tried their hardest! Maybe Kakarot had a big novelty cork shoved up his-

"My God!" Vegeta suddenly detected the other Saiyan's power level, but it was absurdly far away. In fact, it wasn't even in the same galaxy! It was in… it was in…

()()()

"Thanks for letting me stay at your place for a few days, King Kai!" Goku said with great cheer.

"Sure, whatever. It ain't the first time I've smuggled a refugee into my planet and, Lord willing, it won't be the last."

"Lord willing?" Goku repeated. "But, aren't you the Lord?"

"No one really knows who God is anymore, I don't think. I mean, people say it's the Grand Kai, but who the fuck can really tell?"

"Oh… that's kinda disconcerting."

"Makes you question the necessity of your entire existence, doesn't it?"

"Nah."

King Kai laughed. "For a Super Saiyan, you sure have a lot to learn."

While the Kai continued to pontificate on godhood and existence while Goku held in a fart. It was going to be a serious, planet demolishing one. It didn't make sense; it seemed like sooner or later the illness Goku was fighting should start to dissipate. Yet, somehow it's getting stronger. It felt as if, with every dairy air he expelled, the condition worsened.

"Say, Goku," King Kai said, snapping the Saiyan out of his circling train of thought. "Don't just stand there looking like you're about to explode, come on into the house and have some enchiladas! They're an old family recipe of mine, passed down for millennia!"

A tiny, foul squeaker managed to escape Goku's ass, which was on lockdown like Fort Knox so we're talking determined here, and suddenly all of the grass on that side of King Kai's planet erupted into flames that reeked of brimstone and shame. King Kai danced like an idiot for a little bit before escaping the fire by jumping on top of his car, which was helpfully parked on top of concrete.

"GOKU!" screamed King Kai. "You better fix this!"

Goku nodded like a little kid and looked around for something like a firehose or a new planet that would fix the problem King Kai would soon have of not having an old planet. In desperation, he tried floating up and blowing out the planet like it was a giant birthday candle, but all it did was cause the fire to spread quicker to the other side of the planet. With one hand, Goku grabbed Gregory, Bubbles, and King Kai off of the burning sphere, saving them.

"Oh, this is terrible, this is just terrible!"

"King-"

"What am I going to do?! I'll have to live with East Kai again, and it's going to be really awkward because she's been seeing somebody else for months!"

"King Kai, do-"

"Wait, maybe I could shack up with Grand Kai…"

"King Kai, do you have a firehose?!" Goku cupped his free hand over his mouth and hollered.

"NO!" the Kai screamed right back. "Damn it, Goku, you killed Frieza, and you can't even put out a wildfire?!"

Goku's face brightened up. "Ooh, I remember! I'll just do what Master Roshi did the first time I ever saw him use the Kamehameha!"

"Oh, no. No, no!"

But it was too late. Goku was already charging a beam strong enough to destroy ten of King Kai's planets with one hand. King Kai's increasingly loud assertions that it was a terrible idea did nothing to deter the hard-headed king of ASS-erting (because he's been farting a bunch, get it?). Finally, Kai resigned himself to the inevitable and plugged his ears. He heard a fart, then a loud explosion and tears welled up in his eyes. He had no idea why the fart sounded so far away, and he didn't care. It was close enough to blow up his planet.

"Vegeta?!"

King Kai opened his eyes immediately, and confirmed Vegeta was floating over the smoldering husk that used to be King Kai's planet. "Kakarot, have you been hiding from me?"

"Listen, Vegeta, you really can't be around me right now! I'm too dangerous!"

"Oh, I know all about your little secret…"

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Dragonball Z and all of its characters belong to Akira Toriyama and yada yada other bullshit organizations. All of the jokes made in this fanfic, on the other hand, might belong to nedthejanitor, or they might belong to the Angry Video Game Nerd, or some other scatology-based humorist. So if something looks similar to something else, it is entirely unintended. **

Goku's fists were balled up into, uh, balls. His brain may not have been florping too well nowadays, what with the head injuries, but one thing he was sure of; this was not grapes. (He means good, FYI)

"What do you think you're doing here, Vegeta?!"

"Oh, you know… just fartin' around." And with that smug retort, his ass harmonized, letting loose a series of loud squeakers that hit King Kai's planet with machine gun force.

"Damn it, Vegeta!" King Kai shook his tiny blue fist. Truly, he is the most terrifying force in the Other World. "How did you even break into the Other World without dying?!"

"Have you ever seen what burrito gas does to a barrier between the universe and the afterlife?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?!"

"So, that's a no, then."

"Gee, how'd you guess?"

Goku flew up into the sky to face Vegeta. "Listen. I don't know how you did it, but you've tapped into a power that you can't control, and if you could just stay here in the Other World long enough for it to go away, you'd save a lot of lives."

Vegeta smirked. Goku is the only person living who doesn't take Vegeta's smirk as a sign to run the fuck away, so he returns the smile. "Don't worry, Kakarot… my business with you is more important than some earthlings."

And with that, Vegeta grabbed his ankles and placed his feet behind his head, angling his ass directly at the small King Kai planet. "Gastric Gun… FIRE!"

An earth-shattering kaboom that sounded not entirely unlike a pissed off Homer Simpson screaming "BART" came blasting out from betwixt Vegeta's royal asscheeks, turning King Kai's planet into floating chunks of rubble. Goku barely got King Kai, Gregory and Bubbles away from the blast radius in time to stop them from dying prematurely, or in this case, immaturely.

"Shame on you, Vegeta!" Goku screamed. "Your wind broke King Kai's planet!"

"Kiss my ass, you low-class dog! …Actually, don't, because your face will literally just melt off if you get too close! Like, have you ever seen that one Indiana Jones movie where the guy's face gets melted off?!"

Goku's eyes narrowed. "If that's the way you want it, Vegeta…" Going Super Saiyan, Goku hiked his leg up and BOOM went the dynamite! Vegeta was knocked backwards, and as he careened into the infinite nothing, Goku appeared behind him and kicked him back toward King Kai's destroyed planet. He broke through two chunks of floating rubble before stopping himself and going Super Saiyan as well.

"Not bad, Kakarot," Vegeta said in a condescending tone. "If you keep up the pace, you might actually make me start trying."

"I've had a lot of experience with this sort of thing," said Goku in reply.

"Fighting or farting?"

"…Yes."

Vegeta's grin turned upside down. "I know where you stole that joke from-"

But the saiyan prince was interrupted by yet another surprise attack from Goku, getting a nice kick to the stomach as punishment for his guard being down. A terrible wave of anus air was forced out from Vegeta's, you guessed it, belly button. Nah, it was his anus, I'm just joshing.

"Stop it, both of you!" King Kai screamed. "You're going to destroy the Other World expelling that kind of power!"

"It wouldn't be the first time one of my expulsions destroyed something," Vegeta answered gruffly. "And anyway, what could I possibly destroy? There's nothing around here for miles and miles."

()()()

**Meanwhile, at Grand Kai's place…**

"Whoa!" Grand Kai stood from his throne of rock 'n' roll and addressed the one dude who was assigned to hang around and make Grand Kai feel less lonely. "Are you smelling that right now?"

"Yes, sir," said the put-upon dude, "we warned you about the hors d'oeuvres at that party an hour ago, but would you listen?"

"No, no, that wasn't me! I recognize that smell! Something very bad is happening right now! Something that has only ever happened once in the history of the universe before today!"

"And that would be…?"

"…The Legendary Super Saiyan!"

The companion's face went pale. He understood exactly what the Grand Kai was talking about. The universe was nearly destroyed last time there was a true Super Saiyan of legend. Thankfully, the Saiyan died before his rampage could be completed.

"What are we going to do, Grand Kai?"

"Oh, now you call me Grand Kai, instead of 'Grand Lie.'"

"You heard that?!"

"Yes, and we'll discuss your job as a dishwasher later. For right now, I need you to get me Olibu and Pikkon, and we're going to try and contain this shit."

()()()

Goku and Vegeta stood mere feet from each other, holding a pointless staring contest without rules.

"_Kakarot's a Super Saiyan, but he seems far less in control of his fartillery than I am…" _A sneer appeared on his chiseled face. _"This is simply a matter of outlasting him. He'll have to tire out sooner or later…unless I use my new attack…"_

"_Gee, I wonder if Vegeta's going to need to borrow some Pepto after I'm finished winning the fight…" _One of Goku's blonde eyebrows cocked. _"I hope he doesn't have any allergies or he'll sue…"_

"AARGH!" Goku screamed in pain and rage as he pinched off his nose, trying to mask a terrible odor. He knew that Vegeta was responsible for it, but what he didn't understand is how he'd managed to sneak that one through.

"Silent but deadly, Kakarot," the Saiyan Prince said with a slight chuckle, as if reading the other warrior's mind. "It's a technique I perfected on the way here."

Goku continued to hold his hand over his face, his eyes watering so much that he failed to see the scenery beginning to melt. The once pink tint of the Other World sky was greening with rotten air, and King Kai watched, horrified, while the last remnants of his ruined planet melted while still in mid-air.

"What have you done, Vegeta?!" King Kai yelled. Before Vegeta retort, a voice from behind him answered King Kai.

"We have arrived too late, Olibu," said Pikkon through the hand on his own face.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. It turns out they were right, because I ended up quoting Smash Mouth. I don't own Dragonball Z.**

_Italicized: Goku  
Italicized and bolded: King Kai_

"Do either of you fools understand what you've done?!" Pikkon demanded from Goku and Vegeta. "Do you?!"

"I don't…" said Goku.

"I don't care," elaborated Vegeta. "We're in the middle of some important business, so if you wouldn't mind leaving before you get hurt…"

"Oh. Very well." Olibu waved goodbye as he started to fly in the opposite direction. Pikkon grabbed him by his white man-skirt and pulled him back.

"Olibu, these are the Saiyans that are destroying Other World, remember?"

"Ahhh…" Olibu nodded and stayed, stoic, arms crossed as if trying to hide his embarrassment underneath them.

"What do you mean, 'destroying Other World?'" Vegeta said, getting more frustrated. "This is the eternal after world, I thought it was supposed to be indestructible! It's the one and only place where Kakarot and I could truly fight without holding back!"

"Unfortunately, Vegeta, you're wrong. And you should have been holding back a lot of that stank gas you've been expelling. You and your opponent have both tapped into powers neither of you could comprehend, even if you tried."

"Well, that's good, because I didn't," Vegeta replied.

"Mine's gone, if that helps," Goku added. "It went away not long after I came to King Kai's planet."

"And dragged Vegeta along right behind you!" King Kai shrieked. "You fool!"

"I didn't know Vegeta knew about my problem!" Goku whined. "Who told you anyway, Vegeta?"

"The woman, Kakarot, that's who."

"I don't know who that is!"

"Enough!" Olibu roared over the increasing din of disagreeing voices. "Who is to blame for this situation is irrelevant for the time being. We have but fifteen minutes left to get out of Other World before it melts completely away. You, Goku, will have to use your planet's dragonballs to restore the entirety of the afterlife. If, indeed, such a wish is even possible."

"Farts are killing heaven," Pikkon added. "And hell, too. But it already stinks like sulfur down there anyway."

"Wait, about those fifteen minutes," Goku said. "Are those regular minutes or 'Frieza minutes?'"

"…What?"

Pikkon's face lit up. "Olibu, what side of the universe did you originate in?"

"The eastern side."

"I was hoping you'd say that. Every minute there is roughly thirty minutes to the rest of us, thanks to Frieza's inability to read a watch while ruling half the universe."

"Fantastic," enthused Goku, hoping the rest of the group wouldn't notice that he didn't know what a minute did either. "So, that gives us…?"

"Four hundred and fifty minutes," answered King Kai. "In other words, seven and a half hours."

Goku's face was a constipated mixture of confusion and feigned excitement. King Kai sighed, seeing right through the Saiyan's clever ruse. Oops, I misspelled "dumbshit" pretty bad right there, hoping you wouldn't notice. "Think of it like this, Goku; the time it takes you to eat two towns out of their entire food supply."

"Whoa! That's a good amount of time! We should be able to formulate a plan by-"

"Oh, fucking- can't you teleport, Kakarot?!" yelled Vegeta. He was just pissy because he hadn't had his nap and he hadn't had his nap while having his fight with Goku interrupted by Olibu, Pikkon, and his inability to control the strength of his own butt-methane.

"You mean Instant Transmission? Well, I guess-"

Pikkon shook his head. "No," he said just in case anyone didn't understand what his head gesture meant, which, given Goku's presence, was overwhelmingly yes. "You can't teleport myself or Olibu, as well as the entirety of the underworld, into your own. We will just come right back."

"Like it even matters," griped Vegeta. "You've already died, won't you just float around in limbo?"

"We will merely cease to exist."

"Much like my planet!" King Kai whined. Vegeta turned to glare at the blue martial arts trainer. "Hey, no one cares anymore about your stupid planet, Smurf! Kakarot and I got our home planet blown up too, you don't hear us whining about it!"

Everyone stared at Vegeta.

"…That often."

"Indeed, the Saiyan has a point," said Olibu.

"About me whining about my planet, or my planet being stupid?"

"…"

"I'll take that as 'both.' Thanks, Olibu. I feel a lot damn better."

"You're welcome."

Pikkon was starting to lose his patience, something direly needed when in the presence of Goku and Vegeta. "If we're all done arguing, I'd like us to all discuss how we're going to get around 6 octillion dead souls from all over the universe out of here in only seven hours."

Vegeta looked back over at Pikkon. "What, so instead of arguing you want us to… argue?"

"The difference is the subject matter."

Goku pounded his head trying to think of something. "It's just- I don't understand, if living beings can enter the Other World, why can't dead people go to the regular universe?"

"Living beings aren't supposed to be able to enter the Other World, but someone- I'm not going to name any names here- melted a friggin' hole into the barrier between the worlds!"

With that, Olibu and Pikkon leveled pissed off gazes at Goku, who stood confused. "Uh… I don't know how you guys think I got here, but it was because I know Instant Transmission."

"You're trying to make us think you're from Yardrat?!" laughed Pikkon. "Your outfit may be pretty stupid, but you can't even begin to match the-"

"Any more of this inane conversation," Vegeta finally screamed, "and I swear to God I'm going to prematurely end this whole fucking afterlife! I am the one who put a hole into the barrier, by using my new powers. Which, by the way, have now expired because you two idiots showed up and took up all of my time that was supposed to be for my fight with Kakarot!"

"Oh, sorry," said Olibu. "I didn't mean to impose on you and, erm… Gokurot, while you were in the middle of something important. The salvation of the entire afterlife can wait, Pikkon and I will just be on our way."

"And now you're being sarcastic," grumbled Vegeta. "Well, you can just-"

"No, no, he actually isn't," Pikkon said. "No matter how it sounds, this guy doesn't know sarcasm. OLIBU, GET BACK HERE!"

Olibu turned back around, having already flown a small distance away from the rest of the group. "He asked us to leave!" Olibu shouted back.

"Don't worry about that, just listen to what I say!"

"Why should !?"

"Because Grand Kai said so, now get your big, white, Fabio-looking ass back here before we all die again!"

Olibu floated back to Pikkon's side, muttering G-rated Yosemite Sam-style swears under his breath.

"You said we had seven and a half hours, right?" Vegeta asked. "Well," he then began before Pikkon could answer in the affirmative, "that should be more than enough time for Kakarot and I to finish our battle together."

Pikkon slapped his forehead in exasperation. "Fine, holy shit, whatever. Just try and make it quick if you could-"

Vegeta rushed toward Goku with so much piss and vinegar, you'd swear you were watching a YouTube video of Shoe Nice drinking a tall pitcher of, well, piss and vinegar. Unfortunately, without his gas, Vegeta was woefully underprepared for Goku, who was still the only other Super Saiyan besides Future Trunks. All the Saiyan Prince could do was fake Goku out. _"If I can just convince Kakarot I still have my powers, maybe I can distract him long enough to land a finishing blow!"_

The prince ground- or, well, flew- to a halt and grabbed his feet once again, placing them behind his head, floating mid-air in a very awkward, gay-porny position. Goku knew what this meant and moved out of the way, but Vegeta followed him, flying right behind him in that same ass-first position while Olibu, Pikkon and King Kai stared in pure bemusement at the spectacle unfolding before them.

Goku decided to stop and play a mind game of his own. "Take the shot, Vegeta."

"Oh, I'm gonna," he said, stopping as well, his ass close enough to almost touch Goku's stomach. "I'm gonna, and you're not gonna like it!"

"Do it, then, Vegeta!" Goku challenged, starting to see through Vegeta's ruse.

"I will! It's going to be foul, and probably smell like raw sewage!"

"Okay! Bring it on!"

Pikkon decided to step in-between them, sensing the fight was going nowhere. "I thought I told you to make this quick, Vegeta, not spend the whole fight presenting yourself to him."

"Shut up, smart ass!"

Goku elbowed Vegeta in the stomach, he wheezed out in agony and belched, which did nothing. What, you thought gas expelled from the mouth was going to be as deadly as gas expelled anally? You clearly haven't smelled enough terrible farts in your life. Stop by my house sometime.

Vegeta fell to the nothing, unconscious. Then he was caught by Olibu, because nothing doesn't exist. "Caught him," said Olibu.

"Welp, I'm gonna go to Namek and gather the Dragonballs! With them I should be able to wish this green poop mist away!" Goku said cheerfully. He put his fingers up to his head and concentrated as hard as he could… but nothing was coming up. "Oh, I forgot! I don't know how to get to New Namek! King Kai, I need your help!"

King Kai hung his head and sighed, not really willing to help Goku out after he was partially responsible for blowing up his planet. "Can't you just picture Dende or somebody and teleport to Namek? That's how Instant Transmission works!"

"But I don't know what any Namekians look like except Piccolo and Kami, and they're both on Earth."

"Who cares, just picture any Namekian, they all look the same anyway!"

Goku gasped. "King Kai, that's racist!"

"Oh, Jesus fucking- JUST PUT YOUR HAND ON MY BACK ALREADY!"

The other three floating there flinched at King Kai's tone. Goku didn't want to piss the blue man off any more, in case he blew up real big like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The thought made Goku hungry for blueberries. Mmm… blueberries.

"Snap out of it, you jackass, I don't have forever to wait for you to do this!"

"Okay! But, uh, why am I doing this back thing again? Do you need a hug because you lost your planet?"

Olibu and Pikkon's laughs couldn't be contained while King Kai's face reddened. "Listen, you stupid Saiyan son of a bitch, if you communicate with one of the Namekians, they can round up the dragon balls and grant your wish before seven hours elapses, but we have to hurry!"

"But that'll take forever!" Goku whined. "Can't you just show me what one of them looks like?"

"No, I can't, Goku."

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE I DON'T KEEP PICTURES OF THEM!"

Goku was again so surprised by King Kai's tone that he stumbled in mid-air, somehow. "Okay, okay! Jeez, you could have just told me, you didn't have to yell at me!"

()()()

Meanwhile, on Namek. No, this isn't leading to a hilarious scene with Guru, he dead.

"So, we all agree," said Mori as he circled his table of advisors, "it is in the interests of Planet Namek to switch to an industrialized economy rather than our continued reliance on subsistence farming and trading with other villages."

"…Uh, sir, we're just here to ask you to pay your bodyguard fees."

"Oh, you're just asking? Well, the answer is no."

"_Hey, guys, can you hear me?" _A voice entered Mori's head. _"Is this a Namekian, or is King Kai facing the wrong direc-" __**"I'm not facing the wrong direction, damn it!"**_

"Well, gentlemen," Mori said, "it seems as if I've gone absolutely clownfuck insane, because I'm hearing voices in my head. I'm afraid we're going to have to continue this conversation tomorrow. Bye bye, now!"

"But sir, this is your house!"

But it was too late, Mori had already left to jump in the water from atop the high pillar on which Guru used to stay.

"_I'm sorry for interrupting your meeting, but I really need to use your dragon balls!"_

Mori swam to the surface and spoke unto Goku, "What kind of evil being are you?!"

"_What?! Don't you know who I am? I'm Goku, the guy who defeated Frieza and saved your planet!"_

"_**You didn't do any of that!"**_

"_What do you mean, King Kai?"_

"_**You didn't defeat Frieza, Trunks did!"**_

"_But I-"_

"_**And furthermore, you didn't save their planet from shit! Frieza still blew it up, you just ran away!"**_

"_Hey, I meant that I saved the people of Planet Namek!"_

"_**They were all dead except Piccolo by the time you got your sorry ass out of the healing tank to fight Frieza! Hell, you haven't even seen any other Namek instead of Piccolo, that's why we're doing this in the first place!"**_

"Could you please stop, Voice 2?" Mori said. "I'm getting a headache. Anyway, I'm going to go beat my head against some rocks until this goes away, so if you hear a-"

"_**Listen very carefully, Mori. This is King Kai, and we are asking for the dragon balls because Vegeta basically destroyed the entire Other World through means I'm not even going to try to explain at this point. If you don't believe me, find Dende and he'll confirm-"**_

"There's no need to bring the boy into this. How much time is left before the Other World is gone?"

"_About six and a half hours."_

"Oh, then what the hell are you even worried about? I can get this done in an hour, just chill for a second."

So Mori gathered the dragon balls and summoned Porunga, who, upon hearing the first wish to clean the Other World of fart gas, was still grateful he didn't have to bring millions of people back from the fucking dead the way his roommate Shenron did.

"Okay, I did what you asked. Now what are your other two wishes?" Mori asked.

"Well, first I need you to bring back King Kai's planet."

"Can be done."

"And second…"

()()()

"Mrs. Son," the hazmat cleaner said, "I thought you might like to know that we almost have the entire area decontaminated and we'll be able to get a foundation for-"

But he was interrupted by a house falling on top of him and his workers, one that looked just like the old place.

**THE END**


End file.
